Douchebag Yogurt

When you do start to collect your lids, it’d be best to first pin and then fail at creating cute DIY containers like these from My Blessed Life for optimum (but quaint!) yogurt lid storage.

You know how sometimes a yogurt company or something will be like “Hey!  We’re actually a really nice company, and this month, if you collect and mail us your yogurt lids, we will totally donate five cents for every lid you send us to really sick kids, up to $500,000!”  And you’re like “wow, yogurt company.  That’s pretty decent.  I mean, you’ve got to make a living and you have shareholders to satisfy and employees to pay and it’s just nice to see a company that  is totally okay with taking a little bit off of their bottom line to give back.”  But then you’re like “Wait, I have to collect these yogurt lids?  So I have to come up with a place to store yogurt lids?  Like a yogurt lid collection system?  I don’t currently have a yogurt lid collection system or a yogurt lid collection area in place.  I could just put them in a bowl or a bag, I guess, but then I bet Todd would happen upon it and just think it was some sort of weird thing Johnny was up to and throw it out.  Plus that’s dairy.  I’d have to wash that first or I’d end up with a yogurt lid storage system that smells really badly.  Do I have time to wash and store yogurt lids?  And how many yogurt lids will I really collect this month?  Is this worth my time?”  But then you have a moment of deep reflection and you’re like “Hey, self.  That’s no way to think.  Where would we be if everyone thought that way?  NOWHERE, that’s where.  This is for THE CHILDREN.  You will wash and store yogurt lids and find an envelope that will fit all of the yogurt lids in which you can mail them and keep a very close eye on the calendar to ensure that your yogurt lids are postmarked before the deadline and you will even eat more yogurt than usual and pay for rush shipping if you have to because you, one person, you CAN make a difference with your yogurt lids.  Now go find a cute yogurt lid storage container and get to yogurting!”  And then a little while later you’re like “Wait, yogurt company.  You have $500,000 set aside to donate to the children?  But you want me to dance for it first?  You want me to start eating extra yogurt out of some sense of decency and requirement based upon your REALLY overzealous ad campaign and then find time to wash and store these lids and find a cute container that not only fits on the open space on my counter but also matches the existing decor and then mail them to you so you can tally up the lids to determine how much of that already budgeted amount you’ll send to the children and how much you can put back into the profit column?  What kind of crap is this, yogurt company?  If it’s Really Sick Kid Awareness Month, why can’t you just send them the money?  Why am I jumping through hoops for you to do a good thing?  Why do you even want my lids?  What are you doing with them?  Are you recycling them and reusing them to come up with the money to send to the children?  I guess that’s okay, but then why don’t we send you the lids all the time?  If you can reuse these things, it’s really irresponsible of you to only reuse them once a year when it makes you look good, you know.  Also?  I don’t appreciate you playing with my emotions and trying to make me look like the bad guy for not playing your little lid collecting game here.  I have a lot of stuff to do, and suddenly I’m supposed to add guilt over not eating enough yogurt and properly storing the lids to my great big list of failures?  Suddenly my actions are the deplorable ones because you can’t just do a good thing with your extra money without demanding something completely insignificant of me first?  Fuck that racket.  You know what?  I’m not eating any more of your douchebag yogurt.”

Yea.  Me too.  Donald Trump is douchebag yogurt.

P.S. There’s no link to Trump’s video here because fuck Donald Trump.  Go look at this instead.

P.P.S. “Douchebag yogurt” is going to lead to some search engine traffic I’m not sure I want to be a part of.  But I do it.   For the children.

P.P.P.S. Now I am going to link to Trump’s video, but only because in a hundred years when my blog is part of the high school English curriculum, this won’t make any sense without the current event about which I’m speaking.  And if you don’t flat out say what you mean, English teachers will put creepy words into your mouth.  So here.  Here is what I am talking about, high school students of the future.


Filed under Douchebag Yogurt

5 responses to “Douchebag Yogurt

  1. Hilarious! It’s called buy MORE of our yogurt right? hahahaha

  2. I don’t even know what to say to this.

  3. It’s like you’re watching my life and turning it into a blog.

    Which makes me wonder WTF my blog is.

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