Hey, remember when I tried to have a contest to unload my unicorn mask? Apparently Joel McHale’s signature fragrance was not something that interested that many of you. So I have two questions. 1) What is wrong with you people? How are you not remotely curious? 2) Now what in the purple hell do I do with this thing?
Those of you who tweeted the question to him have my undying love. Those of you who googled and came up with a close answer but DON’T EVEN WANT THE MASK have some explaining to do. In case you missed it, our friend Jessica came up with the closest thing there is available on the internet to an exact answer. And the answer was: chili. What am I even supposed to do with that? He smells like CHILI? Apparently I should have been more specific. I wanted to know what cologne the man wears. Not what he had for lunch. And since Jessica does not even want the mask, I still have it. I have a weird unicorn mask that is tied to illicit unicorn porn. On my bed post. I guess the universe feels that I still have more work to do with the mask. I just wish I knew what that was.
In non-unicorn news, everyone seems to think I need a new therapist because I don’t require their constant company. Entitled much?
Me: So, I realized something today. I think people get the wrong idea when I say I don’t like people. Because THEY ARE people, see?
Todd: You think?
Me: It’s not that simple. It’s not that I don’t LIKE them. My brain just works better without them.
Todd: That’s not better.
Me: I like people. I really enjoy them. I just don’t need them. That’s not wrong.
Todd: But that’s not normal. Most people like seeing their friends. You spend every day texting and emailing your friends. Then they invite you out to lunch and you panic. That’s not normal behavior.
Me: You don’t get to define what’s normal. I’m a human, and this is how I act. Therefore, this is normal human behavior.
Todd: But you don’t enjoy other humans. That’s not being an introvert. I don’t care how many BuzzFeed lists tell you otherwise. Most people need people.
Me: Just because most people feel that way doesn’t mean it’s the right way to feel or the only way to behave. Check your privilege. And you should be flattered.
Todd: I should?
Me: Yea. You’re literally the only other human I want to spend time with. I’m sorry that you need more than me. But you’re all I need. That’s very flattering.
Todd: No. No. That doesn’t make it better. I like spending time with you. I spend most of my time with you. But I also like my friends. You like your friends. You would like hanging out with your friends.
Me: I like my friends in my computer where they belong. I like hanging out with you. And sometimes I don’t like hanging out with you so you need to leave for a few days. I wrote our vows. I know this was in there.
Todd: Jesus. Just…Jesus.
So. I need a new therapist or a new husband, apparently. Because Todd doesn’t understand that being hermits is going to be the best decision I ever make for us. We can wear leggings forever and never brush our hair again. And probably develop a following of feral dogs and cats who will consider us their alphas. I can’t figure out why this doesn’t appeal to him.