So last week I had the pleasure of learning that “an odd cult of unicorn mask wearing porn stars” is a real thing. I’m not thrilled. I knew I’d have to drop the unicorn mask eventually, but I had hoped to replace it with a squirrel or pig mask, maybe. But now it seems that masks aren’t safe. Sure, it’s unicorns NOW. But squirrels can’t be far behind. Or maybe squirrel mask porn is already a thing. It probably is. I’m not googling it. It’s been a rough week and I can’t add “discovered squirrel porn” to my list of accomplishments. Not this week.
Why am I telling you this? The most obvious is that I just wanted to explain why I quickly ran around changing my profile picture everydamnwhere. The second is because I feel like I should DO SOMETHING with the mask. It lives on my bed post currently, a fact that now seems even weirder and creepier than it did before. I wanted to have a contest and send the mask off to the winner, but I couldn’t think of anything that I really wanted or needed the lot of you to provide to me that could occur in contest form and from which a winner could emerge. Then Michele and I got to talking:
Me: I think I’ve run out of Joel McHale videos on the internet.
Michele: It’s so frustrating when the internet isn’t the smorgasbord of content that people make it out to be. Turns out, you CAN’T use it to find out what cologne David Tennant wears. Why do I even have this useless “resource”?
Me: I feel like David Tennant is just running on a teeny bit of aftershave and a whole lot of charisma. At least now I have a new Joel McHale fact to google. I have to be careful, though. I don’t like stumbling upon information about his damned wife and kids.
Michele: Yeah, that shit is dangerous. Oddly, I do know what kind of hair product David Tennant wears, but that’s just because someone asked in an interview. We started googling the scent thing because my roommate was joking about how much I love my TARDIS blanket and what would make it even better.
Me: Well now my life is without meaning because I don’t know what Joel McHale smells like. Thanks, Obama.
There you have it. Want a slightly used (BUT NEVER USED IN PORN) unicorn mask? Find me this information. If you come up with David Tennant’s signature scent while you’re at it, that wouldn’t be the worst thing. I could probably give you the unicorn mask AND write a haiku about your hair if you come up with both. The first person to direct me toward the cologne in Macy’s that I can stand around sniffing with my eyes closed in a not at all creepy fashion wins. And since it’s possible that this information really isn’t available on the internet (because we apparently NEED easily accessible unicorn porn but don’t need a searchable celebrity scent database) back up points will be awarded for your closest reasonable guess (ex. Joel McHale smells like leather and freedom.) Put all answers and best guesses in the comments. Game over on Friday, August 2nd. Go forth and win things.