The Sweet Life, Volumes 3 & 4: The Double Feature You Never Knew You Always Wanted

Just look at the pig in his little boots. It makes everything better. (Photo credit: steveevets)

Guest Blogger: Jessica was rightfully hating herself by the time she got to this installment.  This hatred for both herself and these books was likely made much worse by the fact that she listened to all of them read aloud in a robo-voice while driving.  Nothing about this experience was pleasant for her.  In addition to owing her a very big thank you, I also owe her a very big thank you present.  And I feel like she would like a teacup pig, for some reason, so I’ll probably get her one of those.  Don’t you think she’d like that?  She’ll definitely like that.  If you missed the first two installments, you’ll find them here and here.  And don’t forget to read Jessica’s blog, where she’ll soon have reason to write about raising and caring for a teacup pig.

Lila’s fake pregnancy scheme is in full swing.  And it’s working.  Apparently Ken doesn’t care to go to the doctor, see ultrasounds, hear a heartbeat, or be involved beyond rubbing her feet to cure her morning sickness.  Oh, and having lots of sex.  FORESHADOWING.

Meanwhile, Liz has moved out of Bruce’s house.  She’s living at Mommy and Daddy Wakefields’s while they’re out on a cruise.  She’s still investigating, and something seems weird.  And she’s realizing she’s in a lose-lose situation.  Either Bruce is innocent and she’s a doubting, distrustful harpy; or Bruce is not innocent, and he’s still a sleaze.  And either way, she’s lost him forever.  It’s ok, I’ll wait while you grab the tissues.

And Jess is mourning the loss of Todd.  Again.  She’s fighting with herself about whether or not to go back to her job, which her sleazy boss is begging her to do.   So, to get her mind off of her problems, she goes on yet another spite date with Liam.  And of course, the paparazzi get a picture of them kissing.  Oh, and we find out that Liam is a controlling ass, but Jess thinks it’s…endearing.  So basically, she’s still a moron.

Steven and Aaron have hired a stupid nanny with an even more stupid name.  The nanny carries sweet diva Emma to the park every day, where she talks to some random girl named Melissa.  Melissa talks about having a stillborn baby a few months ago, and is always there.  Guys, I saw this coming from a mile away, but Agneta had no idea.  Surprise!  “Melissa” is actually Emma’s surrogate and kidnaps her one day, only to return her, in a basket (seriously) on the front step, because she can’t stand Emma’s wailing.

Bruce decides to step down from his position as President of the Board of Directions of Patman Social whatever his company is called.  He manages to get a standing ovation as he does it.  Whatever.  Meanwhile, Easy Annie, now divorced from Savior Charlie, comes onto the scene to represent Bruce.  She’s a super successful, attractive (and no doubt, a size 6 or smaller) attorney who has recently moved back to Sweet Valley.  And perfect timing!  Bruce needs her, er…services.  In the courtroom, you perv.  She’s not Easy Annie anymore.

Jessica decides she’s going to get Todd back (again) and shows up at his house in a short, tight dress and heels.  But surprise!  Todd doesn’t answer the door.  Instead, it’s answered by Sarah, wearing lingerie.  Sarah has been living with Todd because when she lost her job, she lost her ability to pay her rent, and Todd has no backbone.  Jessica slinks away like a wounded cat, without bothering to talk to Todd.

Mel here:  I’m so sorry that I made my friend read this.  This sounds terrible.  Since pretty much NOTHING of interest happened in the third book, I have decided that you have EARNED the next installment without having to wait another week.  So, behold, The Sweet Life, Volume 4: Fuck, These People are Boring.

Bruce Patman skipped town.  He took his private jet to France.  Sounds like something a guilty man would do, eh?  Or just a petulant, pouting brat.  One who has been charged with felony attempted sexual assault.  Take your pick.

Jessica, feeling crushed, is back to work at VertPlus.net.  Except her old job has been taken by her arch enemy, and Jess must work in a—gasp!—cubicle.  Meanwhile, her enemy-turned-boss shoots down all her ideas, and her new assistant talks about sex and sells her out to the boss.

Liz sends Aaron undercover to dig up some dirt on Bruce’s accuser.  But she insists that Bruce doesn’t know she’s working on the case still.  I don’t really get why, but whatever, Lizzie.  She digs and digs.  She also refuses to do a story on the victim for the Tribune, which means she gets the choice to quit or be fired.  She chooses to quit.  But she stubbornly refuses to contact Bruce.  This is about where I went from irritated with this storyline to not wanting to listen any more.

Enid Rollins is now a big time OB/GYN in Sweet Valley.  EVERYONE who’s anyone sees her.  Which is weird, I mean, all your high school classmates baring all for you once a year?  But ok.  She’s also bitter and snobby now.  But she screws up big time and accidentally tells Caroline Pierce (still in remission, still fat) that Lila was never pregnant.  Caroline sells it to TMZ.

Ken hears the news and leaves Lila.  Again.  Lila cries and sobs and screeches and begs, and finally throws up in a potted plant.  Clearly, this is a new low for Lila Fowler.  What would the Unicorns say?  Then she realizes that she’s actually pregnant.  If you didn’t see this coming, I’m ashamed of you.

Not-so-Easy Annie goes to find Bruce in the south of France.  She finds him, and he treats her to a lobster and wine lunch.  Then, he decides to channel Old Bruce and seduces her.  And it turns out that Easy Annie is still easy after all.  Even with clients.  Shame on you, Easy Annie. Charlie worked so hard to clean up your reputation.

Sarah is still living with Todd, who has no idea that Jess tried to come grovel.  Turns out, there is nothing romantic there, at least not until Sarah feeds Caroline Pierce (and in turn, TMZ) a little white lie about Todd filing for divorce.  Todd sees the headline, thinks Jess filed, and falls right into Sarah’s…cleavage.   And Jess sees it, thinking Todd filed, and we end with her luring her boss (the big boss who is in love with her, not the arch enemy boss) into a dinner trap to seduce him into hearing her ideas.

Stay tuned for the next installment, where you’re still not allowed to have sex with anyone unless you want Francine Pascal (a grown damn woman) to have all of her characters (also grown damn women) mock you mercilessly with schoolyard taunts.  Because that’s how equality works.