The Sweet Life, Volume 2: Bruce Breaks a Beach House

If this didn’t happen at Jessica’s supposed gala, it wasn’t a success.

Guest Blogger: Jessica is tasked with reading these terrible books almost solely for my amusement.  She was kind enough to write a review for each installment when I asked, and I’ve been kind enough to not post them timely. The result, so far, has been hard work on her part and amusement on mine.  I’m not a great friend.   If you missed volume 1, check it out here.  If you’d like more of Jessica, check out her blog here.  She’s finally started updating it again, and will soon (hopefully) post about her recent SARS diagnosis. 

 
Jessica is still PRing it up for Bruce, and Bruce is looking good.  Meanwhile, Liz is doubting her own husband.  And befriending the victim.  And being a terrible liar.  And Bruce is catching on that Liz doesn’t believe him.  So Liz is staying out all night, which isn’t suspicious at all.

Jessica discovers the texts from Todd.  She doesn’t call him right away, because she needs a Jessica Plan.  So she thinks and comes up with the best plan ever.  She’s going to quit her job.  Just up and quit it right after the Gala.  And then she’ll have dinner with Todd and tell him and they’re going to live happily ever after, because why wouldn’t they?

Liz finds out that Bruce thinks that sex with her is boring.  So she blames herself for him possibly raping intern chick.  In Liz World, the next logical step is to rent a house and move the victim into it.  Meanwhile, Bruce hires a PI, who finds the new house and the chick.  Bruce doesn’t know the girl’s name and doesn’t remember her being an intern, but she IS the girl that he met at the bar that night (though he sticks to his story that she came in upset about her dad abusing her and he tried to help her).   But can we think about why on earth Bruce would hire a PI if he’s not guilty?

Jessica’s gala is a success, and she quits her shit.  Then she goes out to a romantic dinner with Todd.  Back up though, because before the dinner, Caroline Pierce’s friend (she probably has a name, but she isn’t thin enough to be mentioned with enough frequency to prompt a reader to remember her) shows Caroline a picture of Jessica and Liam outside the elevator at Liam’s hotel.  She goes on to tell Caroline how she went up to the room and heard sounds that clearly indicated they were having the nakedness together.  And she either doesn’t know or doesn’t care that that’s a very creepy thing to do.  By the way, Caroline and her friend are the only ones in yoga class who aren’t a size 6.  BUT THEY GO ANYWAY, BECAUSE FAT GIRL POWER. Caroline writes a blog post and emails it to Todd.

With impeccable timing, Todd gets the email as Jess is in the bathroom at the end of their dinner date. Jess comes back, and Todd is gone.  Oh Jessica.  It is startling that your foolproof plan of quitting your job (thereby decreasing your joint income by half) and then using a meal (that you can no longer realistically pay for) as the peace-offering to make up for the Liam-sex backfired on you.  None of us saw that coming.

Steven and his boyfriend Aaron used a surrogate mother to make a baby.  Her name is Emma, and she’s a diva infant.  And Aaron is playing stay at home dad with a side of attachment parenting.  Slowly but surely, they’re creating a Jessica Wakefield.  Because Wakefields make good decisions.

Lila gets all hookered up and trots into the locker room after Ken’s next game.  Ken gets mad and walks away from her.  She gets sucked in by the cameras for a second, but then follows him.  Right out to his car, where he’s waiting with her CURVY (I believe they said she had a “Kim Kardashian” figure) costar.  Lila tells him she doesn’t want a divorce, but Ken says “Well too damn bad, let’s go, curvy costar!” and leaves Lila devastated, but determined to scheme her way back to him.  With a fake pregnancy.

Meanwhile, Bruce is getting drunker and angrier.  He finds the victim’s new house (good work Liz, can’t you do anything right?), drunk drives over there, yells and smashes the window, and gets arrested.*  But his only concern?  How he’s going to explain it to Liz.  Because this looks bad.

Even the cliff hangers in this series aren’t cliffy enough.  Stay tuned for the next installment where (SPOILER) Francine Pascal determines your worth based upon your dress size and number of past sexual partners (anything over 6 on either scale gets you cancer in Sweet Valley.  FYI.)

Mel here: What is it with Bruce Patman and beach houses?  Is he incapable of stepping foot in a beach house without assaulting someone?  I’m concerned for Lizzie.  She needs a good friend and a better therapist so she can start working through the issues that keep sending her back into his arms.  THIS IS THE SECOND TIME (THAT WE KNOW OF) WHERE BRUCE + ALCOHOL + BEACH HOUSE = ASSAULT.  Stop sniffing around every other clue on your radar and investigate the beach house connection, Lizzie.  Special Agent Dale Cooper would have been all over this by now.  You are such a disappointment.