I do a lot of talking here about embarrassing things that I’ve done. But I don’t often talk about the horrible things I’ve done. Why? I need your love and approval. Clearly. If I tell you that I used to throw firecrackers at badgers or something (I have never thrown firecrackers at badgers. I love them.) you are not likely to come back. Because psycho. So I’m going to branch out and talk about some of the semi-awful but not truly devastatingly cruel things I’ve done. Starting with some of the guys I never called back. All names have been changed because I’m not a complete monster.
Jesus McJesuson : I liked your guitar. My neighbors didn’t, but I did. Also, I just realized that I thought you were so much older and more mature than me when we (briefly) dated. But you were then the age that I am now. So as well as being sorry for not returning your calls, I’m also sorry that I thought you were old. You weren’t old. You were, however, chatty. Like really chatty. Remember that time you talked about Jesus for like three hours? Bad topic. So, sorry I never called you back, but, now you know why: don’t talk three hours of Jesus on a second date. Just don’t.
NotMattDamon : Pretty much the whole date. That’s your reason. You played the same song over and over again in your car. I think it was The Shins? I don’t even remember. I get it. You’re deep. You ordered a coke at dinner (dinner at CHAMPPS, might I add) and I thought maybe you were an alcoholic because you didn’t order a beer to prove your manhood like every other guy on every other first date I’ve ever been on. And I didn’t want to deal with that. Sorry. I know that sounds terrible but your intended role was rebound only, and I just really didn’t want to get involved in your addiction that I invented for you because you ordered a soda and I read into it. Also, you talked about some stalker ex girlfriend for an hour and I didn’t want to deal with that, either. And that whole “get the first kiss out-of-the-way in the middle of the date” thing? You stole it from Good Will Hunting. Never assume that I don’t know my Matt Damon. So, sorry I didn’t call. Or return your texts. But, you know. Bad date.
Carl: First of all, I’m really sorry if your real name actually is Carl. I’m trying to change all the names here, but I don’t really remember yours because it was only 3 dates and at least seven years ago. And there was nothing really distinctive about you to give you a fun nickname. So you’re Carl because I’ve already made fun of guys named Carl so I may as well keep it up. You were actually sort of fun and I liked that you at least pretended to be entertained when I wanted to talk about the Rocky movies for a solid hour on our first date. I also liked that you pretended that my challenge to a dance battle on our third date was funny and not the least bit stupid. And that you didn’t even come straight out and TELL me that it was stupid that I had You Got Served saved on my DVR. But Carl? Somebody has to tell you this. Moaning when you are JUST KISSING someone is weird. So is calling her sweetheart on a third date. Sorry I didn’t call you back. But that was like expert level clinger.
NotRyanGosling: Hey. I assume you’re back in Canada after you EMAIL-FIRED EVERYONE WHO WORKED FOR YOU AFTER THEY LEFT FOR THE WEEKEND AND THEN CLEANED OUT YOUR OFFICE IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT. I liked that you were Canadian (because Gosling) and that you spent all that time in England after you graduated from college. I liked your car, even if it was paid for by your company. And you were a little bit funny. Not nearly as funny as me but, you know, who is? Here’s the thing. Remember my best friend Todd? Remember you said “Your best friend is a guy?” and I was like “Yea, I fucking love that guy”? I meant it. And when he stopped being so stubborn and admitted that he loved me, too, well…sorry I didn’t call. I decided to marry the love of my life instead. Which is a good excuse if ever there was one. But also? Kind of NOT sorry. Because after you fired everyone, your employees took to the internet to talk about you. And it looks like you were kind of a dick. I want my mix tape back.