Todd and I don’t agree on how to do Christmas. I mean, we both want a tree and presents and a house that smells just like a tree and sometimes cinnamon, but after that we sort of branch off in our own ways. Todd, as far as I can tell, hates joy. When I want to buy the children everything they have ever seen, he comes in and goes “but look, this is what we call a budget. And you have already spent $1000 on them so you have to stop now,” and then I’m like “BUT IT’S CHRISTMAS TODD AND I WANT TO BUY ALL THE THINGS.” We also disagree on gifts for each other. He feels that, as an adult, it is simply practical to just buy what we want for ourselves and then wrap it up and put it under the tree so the children can witness their parents opening presents and their parents, in turn, get exactly what they want. My approach is somewhat different. I want to drop hints all year pointing toward precisely what I want and then be surprised by which of those exact things I end up getting. I like the surprise, is what I’m saying. Yes, I want exactly what I want. But I want exactly what I want without having to come out and say “this is exactly what I want” and I’m not sure WHY that’s so unreasonable.
Last year, I did very well with this disconnect. There was a very specific sewing machine I wanted, so I very specifically said “I WANT THIS EXACT SEWING MACHINE.” And I wanted to learn knit, so we bought some knitting things. And I wanted a new iPhone, so we bought a new iPhone. But then Todd inadvertently ruined his own life by surprising me with a new iPad (an iPad that required a scavenger hunt, which delighted me. I’m seven, FYI) and now I am, once again, delighted by surprises. So he keeps asking me what I want and I keep saying “I want you to buy me whatever you think I would like” and he is probably going to kill me in my sleep because there are only so many shopping days left until Christmas. So I agreed to compromise. I will make a very BIG list, and then I can be surprised by which items from that list that I end up with. And then I will start therapy and learn how to be an adult.
1) iPhone 5
I honestly have no idea how this is different from my iPhone 4, other than the obvious bigger screen/thinner everything else. It’s just the new one so I want it. Plus I have broken the screen on my iPhone 4 five times this year which makes me pretty confident that the iPhone 4 is structurally unsound because there’s no way I did something to break it on five separate occasions. That doesn’t sound like something I would do.
My iPhone 4 has a TARDIS skin that looks exactly like this, but Todd seems to think that the lack of protection has a lot to do with all the breaking. So I will agree to a hard case this year, but it must make my new phone look exactly like my current phone, because the whole point of this is to have the exact same phone that I already have except NEWER. So this one by Rikki Knight on Amazon will do just fine. With the white sides, obvs, because I want the phone to be the white one before I cover it with a case so you won’t be able to see what color it is anyway.
This is where I win the iPhone argument, because I have had my iPad for a year with no case and have not broken it once (I never broke my iPhone 3, either, but whatever. Keep blaming me. It’s FINE.) Four days ago or so, I finally found an iPad case/stand that I really like and my search was, I thought, over. See this one? It comes in a really pretty green. Four days ago, that green color was all over the Michael Kors and Neiman Marcus web pages. Now there’s no green to be found. Good one, universe. Back up color? Orange. Since it’s clearly not ME that’s breaking the iProducts, I probably don’t need this. But now that I found it and love it in what is probably a discontinued color, I need it in my life.
Yes. I do already have almost this exact same watch. But it’s silver and rose and diamondy. I love my watch. My watch is my favorite. Last Mother’s Day, I talked about my watch for a month so that I would get it as a surprise for Mother’s Day, and it worked. So I’m going to talk about that same watch but in a different color for the next couple of weeks because I want another one. So far, my entire list is a variation of things that I already own, and I’m fine with that. And so is Michael Kors. And that is why he keeps making this same watch in different colors every year. Because it’s awesome and we should all have all of them.
(Psst…I want this one, too.)
You know how when you put on a hotel terry robe it’s like the perfect terrycloth and the robe is all absorbent when you get out of the shower but also warm if you’re just waking up and throwing it on in the morning? That’s what I’m looking for in a robe. Usually I look at Pottery Barn to feel bad about how poorly put together my house is and then I look at Ikea to see what I can actually afford. But this robe from Pottery Barn seems like the robe I want in my life. I desire a posh terry cloth hotel-like robe. Like a GROWN UP. Plus my initials can be embroidered on this one so nobody can steal it, and that just makes good sense to me.
On the hierarchy of things over which I will completely nerd out, Game of Thrones is right up there with Doctor Who and Harry Potter. My concern over George R.R. Martin’s health is with me always. He tried to break my heart at the end of the fifth book. If something happens to him before he finishes the next two, I’ll pretty much never talk to anyone ever again. This really isn’t important information. I just want this shirt from FencingNArchery on Etsy. It’s cute, no?
Every Christmas list needs a hail mary.
(Really I just want my own laptop. I mean, my own that isn’t for work. And that isn’t Todd’s. And isn’t the desktop. We need a fourth computer, basically. And I don’t know anything about laptops or what a laptop should have but this one is also pretty.)
Oh. Hello, Conversation Piece.
Imagine that you own this. Now imagine the dinner parties. You own this, and you become “that girl with the Kenny Loggins guitar.” Yea. I want to be that girl, too.
It’s weird to me how people have really strong opinions on TOMS. Yes. I know that their organization isn’t ideal and the one for one structure is recognized by most to suck and blah blah blah. TOMS are my kick around and do whatever shoes. I like them. They are comfortable and the fact that they are ugly makes me happy because you just don’t ever have to wonder if they go with your outfit. They don’t go with any outfit. They’re ugly. And you probably aren’t doing all the good you think you’re doing by buying them. Anyway, I need a new pair. I’d like a pair in black AND ash this time. Size 6.5. At least they’re not UGGS, you know?
The first year Todd and I lived together, I really wanted a new vacuum. So for Christmas we bought an expensive vacuum. That thing sucks. It breaks pretty much all the time. But the little button that sucks the cord back up when you’re done using it is pretty fun. This has no cord, but does possibly have the ability to emote. I’m not sure. All I know is it means I don’t have to vacuum. And I can refer to it as my robot maid, which I have wanted to do pretty much my whole life because the Jetsons promised we’d have them by now. So I would like a robot maid and also a real maid, please.
11) New Tattoo
I made myself a promise awhile back that I wouldn’t get any new tattoos until I had gone through the pain and expense of removing my existing tattoos because that’s how you’re supposed to learn lessons, or something. But really, I’m a 34 year old mother of two. My hip and back are exposed to the world like twice a year, and I’m not exactly the only mid-thirties mom hitting the beach with the Japanese character for “regret” permanently emblazoned on her lower back. So I would like a new tattoo in a far more obvious place because I obviously make good decisions. I’m not sure how you give a tattoo to someone for Christmas, but I’m rarely worried about what others will have to go through to get me what I want. So there’s that.
Oh. And also? I made you guys some stuff for Christmas, too. You just have to pay for it first. You’re Welcome.
Cuckoldry and Christmas Ladies Tee – This tee shirt is expensive. I put it on this particular tee shirt because this is the tee shirt I would wear. It can go on all the other, less ridiculously expensive versions too, though.
Put Your Mouth On This Mug – I have a coffee mug at work and the design is on the wrong side and so when I drink coffee it looks like I have a really boring plain white coffee mug to everyone else and so they all probably have no idea that my mug is delightful and so am I. You will not have that problem here. Lookit. Goes all the way around, my design. And not because I didn’t know how to resize it, either. I totally know what I’m doing here.