Apologies to those of you who took the time to weigh in last week when I asked for your input on what to write about next. The overwhelming winner (so, two people) felt that “I am the Mitt Romney of this water park” would make for interesting reading. The problem there is it was just ONE THING that I said. And it was really funny to me when I said it so I made a note of it because I wanted to make sure everyone heard it. But it does not a complete story make. Here, because I love your faces, is what went down.
Friday: Arrive at water park. Die from heat. Lament the fact that we did not purchase the line jumper bracelets which would have allowed us to go to the front of many of the lines.
Saturday: Say “fuck it.” Buy line jumper bracelets. Repeatedly walk past hour-long lines of sweating people (and occasional sweating children who are crying because their feet are burning on the sidewalk) while being incredibly careful not to even look at any of them. Because while, yes, we DID pay for the right to go ahead of all of them, it didn’t feel good. No. Not when I could feel them looking at me. And hating me. Hundreds of people hating me all at once because I spent an extra $80 to cut in front of them. And so came the statement “I am the Mitt Romney of this water park.” Because that’s what it felt like by the end of the day. I felt completely disconnected from the people in those lines and started to believe I was better than them. I had an extra $80. They didn’t. Sorry you’re sweating, little people, but I’m going to go down this slide five times before you even get to the stairs. And now, in telling it, it’s not so much a funny thing that I said as it is something I hate myself a little for saying. So..that happened. I told you it wasn’t that interesting. (Hey guys? I don’t think I can ever go to a water or amusement park without buying those bracelets again, though. I had an entire day of NOT waiting in lines. I can’t just go waiting in lines again. Am I the 1% now?)
Let’s talk about something else now. Let’s talk about the search terms that are bringing people here. I’m really pleased with them, if I’m being honest. Here are my top searches from today:
1) Ryan Gosling Watch- I have a question for the people who arrived here with this search. Were you looking for a watch which you once saw Ryan Gosling wearing? Were you looking for, like, a website CALLED “Ryan Gosling Watch” where they just reported on what kind of oatmeal he had for breakfast, and stuff? Or did you want a watch with Ryan Gosling’s face on it? I’m curious. So if you’re still here, please share with the class. And if it’s the third option, and you found it, please provide a link. I’d wear that.
2) Imightbetheproblem.com- Hi, mom. I know this one was you. Nobody else would google that with the “.com” in there. They just wouldn’t. I love you. I didn’t tell your Pine Barrens story yet. I won’t if you don’t want me to. Because I love you and you’ve been through enough, really. I’ve been a kind of handful these past 34 years.
3) Hey Girl Ryan Gosling Cheer Up- I just googled this myself. I am on page 8, and I still don’t see the link that brought you here. You have shown some serious dedication to finding your desired meme. I hope you found it. And I hope you’ll share it with me. Those will never stop being funny to me.
4) Nude Cartwheels- See? I told you it’d be this whole thing now. I’m really excited. When I’m on the first page of google results for this term, I’m going to send one of you something really awesome. I’m not going to tell you what it is yet. I’ll have a contest. Yep. A contest. And you will be able to win something in my “Awesome Winning Stuff Contest to Celebrate Nude Cartwheel Search Engine Traffic Contest. Contest.” Try to contain your enthusiasm.
5) Ryan Fucking Gosling- Fuck yes. I am on the first page of search results for this term now. And that makes me happy. But also? I feel bad. I didn’t know there was a site CALLED Ryan Fucking Gosling. That’s just what I call him. I can’t think of any way NOT to call him that. That post is also the reason why my company has blocked my blog and flagged it for content, so that’s a bit sad for me. So let’s recap. Happy: because Ryan Gosling is (without even KNOWING it) adding me to the long list of people who he has helped with the sheer power of his sensitive stubble and abs. Sad: because writing about him makes me curse a lot, and then everyone’s boss blocks my blog. Bad: because there’s a whole tumblr named Ryan Fucking Gosling and that’s probably what people were looking for. I’m sorry if you were hoping for pictures of Ryan Gosling and you ended up here instead. This is for you:
About the time I was reprimanded by Ryan Fucking Gosling (warning- this story is actually not true. But everyone thought it was at first. You know…because it’s written like it actually happened. And even now a ton of websites don’t bother adding the disclaimer that it’s fiction or whatever. Ryan Gosling probably doesn’t even mind, though. His spirit probably WAS with that dude that day. And I bet that dude learned something. And that something was that you don’t fuck with the spirit of Ryan Gosling.)
Fuck Yeah Ryan Gosling (I always assume this was the original. I don’t know if that’s accurate at all.)
Header image via Lovelyish, where you can watch the full clip of Gosling on Fallon with his dog talking about being naked in a Turkish bath house. Find something wrong with that sentence. I dare you.